I write as Brandon today, Brandon Sullivan. I write about what happened when after I met that woman on the metro, passing through 28th Street.
I have had a problem of failing to get intimate with people. As far as you remember me, I live for fleeting encounters, brief meetings, and I stress the importance of timely departure. But you know something, I was always waiting for something to happen. Much like Alain Leroy who couldn't stem the fire within.
I am glad I met Alain before he read Rigaut and pulled the trigger. Alain told me certain things which made me stop and take stock of things.
Alain was trying to avoid the responsibility of adulthood.
You used to say, "Its hard to be a man. You have to want it."
I found him obscure them. I was surrounded by stereotypes of masculinity, in every direction i stared. Maybe he meant man in the sense of the elder state of a child?
Alain was a victim of his habits. He never could stick to anything for long. Which is why him talking about masculinity seemed unprecedented. He used to speak my mind's words, "Women still find me fun and nice. But thats not enough. I have no hold over them. And yet it is through women, I have felt some hold on life."
These words, this realization will haunt me through my life. It is an acceptance of the fact that not just through women, I have felt some hold on life, only in relationships. I tried to run away and take care of myself. I still can, I am self sufficient. But I dont just live for material satisfactions. I wish I was not this weak now and the cognac is still not having its effect.
But which relationships are the ones which have made me feel a bit in control of life, have lent otherwise routine things a sense of purpose? I dont think I'd be able to select them out.
This is about the bravest person I've ever met.
I call her that because she is not cynical, unlike the rest of brave people I have known. And yet, I can't accuse her of having loose morals or none of it. She is a religious person. She belongs to a family which knows how to live passionately, which believes in the value of sticking together despite realizing the futility of it. Sticking together can be fatal, if we dont respect the people who dont leave us, who remain by our side. She has doubts whether she'll stick around if she finds an opening out of the cyclical violence she witnesses everyday. Somethings have a future, they need to be provided for, sometimes from a distance.
My friend loved Alain. Alain, who left back a note saying-
I am killing myself because you didn't love me, because I didnt love you. Because our bonds were loose. I am killing myself to tighten them, to leave you with an indelible stain."
I have had a problem of failing to get intimate with people. As far as you remember me, I live for fleeting encounters, brief meetings, and I stress the importance of timely departure. But you know something, I was always waiting for something to happen. Much like Alain Leroy who couldn't stem the fire within.
I am glad I met Alain before he read Rigaut and pulled the trigger. Alain told me certain things which made me stop and take stock of things.
Alain was trying to avoid the responsibility of adulthood.
You used to say, "Its hard to be a man. You have to want it."
I found him obscure them. I was surrounded by stereotypes of masculinity, in every direction i stared. Maybe he meant man in the sense of the elder state of a child?
Alain was a victim of his habits. He never could stick to anything for long. Which is why him talking about masculinity seemed unprecedented. He used to speak my mind's words, "Women still find me fun and nice. But thats not enough. I have no hold over them. And yet it is through women, I have felt some hold on life."
These words, this realization will haunt me through my life. It is an acceptance of the fact that not just through women, I have felt some hold on life, only in relationships. I tried to run away and take care of myself. I still can, I am self sufficient. But I dont just live for material satisfactions. I wish I was not this weak now and the cognac is still not having its effect.
But which relationships are the ones which have made me feel a bit in control of life, have lent otherwise routine things a sense of purpose? I dont think I'd be able to select them out.
This is about the bravest person I've ever met.
I call her that because she is not cynical, unlike the rest of brave people I have known. And yet, I can't accuse her of having loose morals or none of it. She is a religious person. She belongs to a family which knows how to live passionately, which believes in the value of sticking together despite realizing the futility of it. Sticking together can be fatal, if we dont respect the people who dont leave us, who remain by our side. She has doubts whether she'll stick around if she finds an opening out of the cyclical violence she witnesses everyday. Somethings have a future, they need to be provided for, sometimes from a distance.
My friend loved Alain. Alain, who left back a note saying-
I am killing myself because you didn't love me, because I didnt love you. Because our bonds were loose. I am killing myself to tighten them, to leave you with an indelible stain."
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Regurgitated